Help! I feel trapped in a loveless Marriage

By Duchess Magazine

Here is a message we received in our inbox. We will appreciate your contributions on this issue. Remember that a problem shared is a problem half solved. If you have an issue bothering you, feel free to send a mail to
Dear Duchess,
My name is Quincy I have been married for seven years. I have two beautiful children to show for it. Other than this, I have had a very difficult time with my husband, from at least six months into our marriage.

My husband never showed me the affection I desired

My husband never showed me the affection I desired, we wouldn’t really talk about anything important, he would often tell me not to dream about the future – like me wanting a house, a car, you know basic things that all women want.

I was told to be grateful that we had shelter and food

I was told not to be materialistic. There were a lot of things said to me over the years, too many to put into this email. I keep things bottled up, and I put it away, hoping that one day things will change, and maybe, just maybe things will get better. But as soon as I start feeling a little happy, something is said or done to bring me down. It’s come to a stage, where I feel so empty, I have become so numb inside, I just shut down so I can’t get hurt anymore.

I remember crying a lot and never feeling fulfilled emotionally

I would often see other couples, and think why can’t my marriage be like that? I have come to a point where I want to get out. I am 32 years old, and I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling nothing. I love my children (one is five years and the other eight months) and do not want them to come from a broken home, but I feel so guilty for wanting something better for myself.

 A few weeks ago, I voiced my feelings to my husband, and I told him I do not love him anymore, and I want to leave. He pleaded and cried for another chance. He said he can change, and will treat me better. Which he has done so far: it’s been a month now, and he actually bought me flowers, which he hasn’t done in years, he bought me lingerie, which he never did, he holds my hand in public, even kisses me when we are out together, is spending quality time with me alone, and even planning holidays for us, which in the past he never really did. He even has become more helpful with the kids, before he would never lift a finger to help me with them.

My fear is…how long will this last?

Can someone suddenly change so drastically? I lived with him for six years – he completely changed overnight! Is he playing me? I am so suspicious of his motives. Does he really love me? We are only married religiously, and not registered under SA law as husband and wife. So I am classified as a single mother. I  work for a company, and have had a stable job for over five years now: he on the other hand does not have a stable job, and his income is erratic.

I know he means well, but something keeps telling me “Be very careful!”

How can I be with someone I do not trust? I am trying to give him a chance, because of our children, but the more I think of the past, I become more fearful about the future. I am not saying that I did nothing wrong but I really did put my heart into my marriage, only to slowly have my sparkle dulled. Now he wants to tell me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him. That he never really showed me how he could really love me. Why was I not worth his love at the beginning, and now when I want out, he wants to give it his all, and so should I. Please give me some advice, I know you can’t tell me what to do, but I need some sense of direction. I feel like my life is falling apart, and I will myself forward because of my children, they are the only ones I focus on. I am so heartbroken, and conflicted. Heartbroken about the past, and conflicted about the future. #

Kind regards, please i need your advice.

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