Domestic violence – Choices we make in Life.

By Duchess Magazine

Having a friend to talk to at the lowest point in my life brings about peace. It makes me know that I am not alone. I did not realise that domestic abuse exist while I was In my mid-thirties, married with kids but I believe every challenges you face could be due to marital issues that are always meant to happen in every relationship. I am putting this out because I know there will be many people like me that does not know what domestic violence is all about.
Domestic violence can be define as a pattern of abusive behaviour that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another partner in any relationship. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economical, psychological or any kind of threat of actions that destabilize the other person. In other words, domestic violence is an extremely type of attitude that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, name-calling or putdowns, keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends, withholding money, stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job, sexual assault, stalking, and intimidation.
The big problem with this is that if you have got kids, they will see this kind of lifestyle as a normal way of life. Your son will grow up thinking the best way of life is to treat his wife the same way Daddy treats Mum or vice versa because that is what they see and your daughter will not be expecting to be treated any different from her husband. Don’t forget we are a replica of our parents.
For me, being in an abusive relationship was a tough life which I didn`t realise for a long time, I thought they were challenges you face in your matrimonial home and they will go away some day. Also, I got thinking that my parent are still together, living fine in peace and harmony, same thing with my lovely sister who is still together with her husband with no issues, I didn`t want to be seen as the black sheep or the odd worn out, so I made up my mind to get stuck into this abusive haven. This man looked down on me at all times disdainfully, the interesting thing is that he does not slap or hit me with his fist, he pulls my hands to the back and hold me down in pain, he breaks the light bulbs on my head and throws things at me, he pulls me down to the point where I lost my confidence and dignity, I was paralyse like a leaflet that has been detached from the nutritious tree and it makes me feel like the world was against me.
So I run away from people because I feel shameful and I do shut myself away from others, I gently see my world going down the path of depression and hopelessness. Its take a lot of gut for me to decide on making a decision of leaving this abusive relationship or staying in it. I have to choose one.
On a faithful day, I woke up one morning and decide to move on, leaving the abusive relationship, it was a gigantic step for me, thinking of the fact that I have been in it for eight years and for me this is the best and the hardest part of my life, the hardest decision I have ever made. I cried out for help and I found people that hold me up and supported me
At this stage I feel scared, I have made a wrong decision, I feel shameful and still try to avoid people in my case because I have children, I have to pick myself up, remembering where I was coming from keeps me thinking and going steadily, I say silently, I must not fail.
There is an adage which says, when you hit the rock bottom, you will know the only way is up. Thinking about this and knowing that even people like me that experience domestic abuse in the UK still feel so shameful and sometimes in the night when my kids go to bed, I feel like committing suicide. This makes me think of women that experience violence in African countries and some other parts of the world, having a huge burden for their welfarism and to also reach out to them. How do they survive? if they ever or always survive it, what kind of support do they get? And what measures can be put in place to support women that experience domestic abuse in their confined and restricted environment. I must say this, the bold step I took some years back, making my decision independently of fear changed my life forever and thinking about it brings tears of joy. Although, I am hurt but the results gave me freedom and transquility.
But then, how can we support women that are going through domestic abuse? Therefore, avoiding them from committing suicide or going into prostitution. How do we preach abuse to our young girls before they get to the stage of maturity as a teen whereby they start dating?
The risk of staying in an abusive relationship is that your self-worth, self-confidence, self-dignity, pride, positive self-image, dreams and goals in life will keep deteriorating and you keep going down, leading to a part of depression
Domestic abuse to me is a big issue, it takes your life away completely, replacing it with pain, fear, anxiety. I cry for help for African women.. Please let us come together and support each other. Together we are stronger, together we move mountains, we pave a better path for our generation and the new generation coming behind. We are the solution to the world`s problem and this can only be achieved by us working together.


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