For years, we have been encouraged to “be ourselves,” and rightly so. Authenticity is important, and pretending to be someone else is exhausting. However, this advice is often misunderstood and misused. Being yourself should not mean remaining comfortable with negative traits or excusing harmful behaviour. The truth is, no one knows us better than we know ourselves. We understand our character, temperament, attitude, manners, and how we truly relate with people. If we are honest, we also know our weaknesses just as clearly as our strengths.
This is why an important question must be asked. Is my character a good one? It is not enough to say, “This is just how I am.” We must reflect deeply on our actions and attitudes. If someone treated us the same way we treat others, would we be pleased? If the words we speak were spoken back to us in the same tone, would we feel respected? True self-awareness requires us to look at our behaviour through the eyes of others, not just through the comfort of our own justifications.
Too often, we are quick to judge people by how they react to us, without pausing to examine what triggered that reaction. We hold others accountable for their responses but rarely hold ourselves accountable for our actions. Yet, personal growth begins with self-scrutiny. Before criticizing how someone responds, we must first ask whether our behaviour was kind, fair, or considerate enough to deserve a better response.
No one can tell you the truth about yourself more accurately than you can. Deep within, we know the traits we carry that make relationships difficult. We know the habits we display that we would struggle to tolerate if they came from someone else. Many of us desire help immediately when we are in need, yet we hesitate or make excuses when others need our support. We want people to go the extra mile for us, while we barely take a step beyond convenience for them.
Similarly, many people demand patience, understanding, and tolerance from others but offer very little of it in return. We expect people to endure our moods, attitudes, and flaws, yet we quickly withdraw when faced with the imperfections of others. We desire grace but extend judgment. This imbalance in expectations creates strained relationships and unnecessary conflicts.
In many cases, we are also quick to expose the faults and flaws of others, behaving as though we are perfect. We speak critically, judge harshly, and sometimes embarrass people publicly, forgetting that we too carry behaviours others silently endure. The difference is that while we are fully aware of our intentions, we often ignore the impact of our actions on those around us.
Before stepping out acting righteous, saintly, or overly church-minded, we must pause and ask ourselves honest questions. As mothers, wives, grandmothers, mothers-in-law, sisters, or friends, what are the behaviours in us that we cannot accept when displayed by others? What attitudes do we justify in ourselves but condemn in those around us? What mannerless actions do we perform yet feel deeply offended when they are done to us?
Real change does not begin by correcting others. It begins by confronting ourselves. When we deliberately work on changing our negative behaviours into positive ones, we naturally become less judgmental, more compassionate, and better at relating with people. Self-examination breeds empathy, and empathy strengthens relationships.
Being yourself is good, but becoming a better version of yourself is far more important. Growth requires honesty, humility, and the courage to look inward. When we choose self-correction over constant judgment, we not only improve ourselves, we create healthier, kinder spaces for everyone around us.
